Harriette Winslow: Carl, calm down, it's not the school's fault. Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Hey, cut me some slack. Rachel Crawford: Sort of an Urkel Exchange Program? Carl Otis Winslow: Harriette, they applauded when we left. Steve Urkel: I know! Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [last lines of the series] Do I get a welcome home kiss? Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Big Guy, what are you up? [Steve is eating frozen fish sticks out of the box]. The wind has chapped my lips. Carl: 3, 2, 1 1, 2, 3 What the heck is bothering me? Ms. Steuben: Steve, it's not a good sign when you have to give your bread a pep talk. Laura: [gasps] I'm sorry, I'm so sorry please forgive me. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Bright side? Carl Otis Winslow: I didn't bring my gun. The next minute rump roast! Steve Urkel: But, I've been practicing and my progress is impressive, even if I do say so myself. Steve Urkel: [whispering] I bent my dagger. I can almost see what you had for lunch! Steve Urkel: My uncle, Elijah Urkel, has been struck by lightning four times. You mother once tried bean bags. Steve Urkel: The woman's been flirting with me. Laura Lee Winslow: Oh lord, you're gonna die. I'm Stefan sweet thing. Was it fair that you stood your father up for bowling? I wanna read it to my mom. Steve Urkel: I can't! It was my nickname in preschool! Carl Otis Winslow: Come on, Harriette! Steve Urkel: No, I don't like to disturb anyone. Carl Otis Winslow: After you left, I saw your boy Fresh Squeeze at the door. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: You won't be sorry, sir. Laura Lee Winslow: Then she demanded her money back when she found out that she modeled ladies underwear. Waldo: I said he Hey, you can't trick me! [picks up a single serving container of gross looking food in the cafeteria]. Harriette Winslow: Not as rough as Aunt Clotilda. Carl Otis Winslow: I do not and keep your voice down the neighbors might hear you. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Yeah? This wire will be connected to this cord and this cord is not plugged in. I never got less than than an A. Steve Urkel: So, I can't live with that! Not when it's swirling around a porcelain tank. Carl Otis Winslow: Only 2 of them were his. Would you like that? Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD: You paid him off. Everyone would think that Laura is in love with Steve Urkel and no one would vote for her. Laura: Not when the bomb is in the basement with you! Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Steve, how did you get so good at checkers? Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Yeah, I went to sleep and Stevil made a guest appearance. All we had to do was drop some dead guy off at the graveyard. Steven Quincy Urkel: Oh, put a cork in it, Missy! Steve Urkel: Oh, well, no problem-o. If you cut me, do I not cough? Steve Urkel: By any chance, is that something you enjoy? While he was starring in "Family Matters" as Steve Urkel, White also began a side hustle as another staple of the era's popular culture . Because check this out buddy, you're alone. Laura: Urkel, don't your parents feed you? Laura Lee Winslow: [crying] Steve why do you always say things like that? Laura Lee Winslow: What you did for me tonight was really special. What do you get when you multiply a negative by a negative? I was just talking with your grandmother. Myrtle Urkel: Frankly my dear, I just don't give a damn. Edward 'Eddie' Winslow: [laughing] Good one, Myrtle! The black kids won't talk to the white kids, people are calling each other names, taking sides! Oh my God! It meant a lot to me. Steve Urkel: [Talking to Eddie and his girlfriend] You heard her, you're all witnesses. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Why are you upset, Waldo? [strikes a pose] Laura? Carl: Uh, just bring us burgers and fries. I may get a B. Laura: Dad, this is serious. They're disgusting. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: As long as you're up, bring me a piece. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Don't you worry, I'll work on him. Laura: Doth thou love me? Come here. This is my mother. Laura Lee Winslow: Oh you're not a sorority, you're a bunch of vicious, stuck up barracudas with teased hair and push up bras. Waldo: Don't do it, Urkel! First of all, this is not a real date. ABC/Warner Bros Remember Steve Urkel? Laura Lee Winslow: If I hadn't started that petition, none of this would've happened. Laura: I was thinking about taking a home economics class so I can learn how to cook. 1. I want more Punch! Carl Otis Winslow: Oh nothing, never mind! Willie Fuffner: Because, he humiliated me! And I know that baseball card meant a lot to you. Carl Otis Winslow: I do not care what other people think. Carl Otis Winslow: Yeah. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Would you shut your filthy mouth! Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. [He and his partner grabs Willie and Waldo]. He breaks something a beaker along the way]. [removes Carl's napkin from his shirt and tosses it on the coffee table]. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Laura, do you mind if your old grandmother tells you a story? Second, no one must ever know about this "non-date". Carl: Are you implying that you're not having a good time? [Runs with Steve to confront Waldo and Weasel], [Eddie tries to flirt with a cute girl, unaware that Carl is behind him]. If all you ever look for is the float with Miss America on it, then the whole parade is going to pass you by. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [shocked] And he brought hooters! Laura Lee Winslow: [pushes some things aside] I can't pitch in right now. This isn't right Weasel. Steve Urkel: Oh, I am so glad you said that! You would win the gold. Could you write that 'A' down on a piece of paper? Then instead of admitting it, you let us spread a log in Lake Michigan. Waldo Faldo: Why are ya gonna do that, Willie? I almost went to the movies with Vicky Vanderfanny. Stefan Urkelle: It's not just a transformation chamber. The notion was apparently incongruous enough to ABC, the longtime home of the hit comedy ''Family Matters,'' which features the geeky Urkel character, that its executives . Steven Quincy "Steve" Urkel: I demand satisfaction. Lt.Murtaugh: Do you know that woman Winslow? [someone has just smashed into Lt. Murtaugh's classic car]. Carl Otis Winslow: Harriette, I was steamed, I didn't want to do something I'll regret. [Maxine laughs hysterically after she leaves the house]. Would you like that? Laura: [as Steve walks he sobs and cries on Laura's shoulder] What's the matter baby, did you eat some bad cheese again? Carl: Stefan, you gotta help me. Steve Urkel: [Rushed] That's all. And if you call me names, do I not eat? [Eddie has just realized his mistake in standing his father for the chance to go out on his date with a girl that he likes]. Laura Lee Winslow: No, I think we learned that Steve's experiments has gone too far. During the class picture, you don't have to sit with the girls in the front row and hold up the class. Willie Fuffner: [Wipes his own mouth] Thank you. Now hit the sack. [laughs] Bye! Judy Winslow: Mom, when's dinner? A few minutes ago, I just saw Laura and I fanted. Suppose I made it happen. Waldo: [Monotone while Steve mouths his words with him] Pablo was a kind and gentle creature. So you have to make every minute count. Steve Urkel: Yes! Laura Lee Winslow: Tonight is the charity bachelor auction. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: What? Boyd broke my glasses. Laura: Steve, you like this kind of music? Laura: Well, he's all yours, Eddie. Clarence has under control. Carl Otis Winslow: Well yeah. Steve Urkel: [dropping his bowling ball and hyperventilating]. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: How'd that happen? Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Uh no, Waldo, state your name. Ty: Actually I haven't got my wings yet and I play the keyboard. He's half-Nerd, Half-Carl. Eddie Winslow, front and center! [Steve is in the kitchen recovering from Laura and her sock stuffed b*obs. Harriette Winslow: Carl Otis Winslow, I'm ashamed of you. Alexandre Dumas was black. She lived a long and full life. You know that in Kenya, "Urkel" means "a benign cyst on the foreleg of a wildebeest"? Steve Urkel: You yelled at me and you called me a butthead! I've been there a 100 times, but this time was different. I love this lady [Laura] and I can come over here anytime I want to and you can't stop me! Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: [sympathetically] Eddie, Carl was just about your age when he lost his dad. Laura: Well, Steve, I've been trying to convince Waldo that girls find him attractive. Carl Otis Winslow: There was an E.Coli scale in the chocolate and I tasted a few to make sure the box was safe. All the pins look like Laura! Laura: For the last time, Steve. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: The refrigerator. Carl Otis Winslow: [packing up the camping gear] Boy that was great, a family weekend in the wilderness. Waldo: Thanks for helping me find the gym. Steve Urkel: [points to Eddie] His words, not mine. Gun, Carl. "Tomorrow, Dad!" Or was it yellow? I can't breathe! I've got the STD, all I need is U." 3. Laura: [as Steve and Laura walk in, the guests gasp again] Steve, everyone gasped. Laura: [Long pause] Your looks. I realize the reason you don't love me is because I'm weak. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: [nervous laughter] Great Wedding, huh dad. Myra Monkhouse: Um, one plus one equals fun? Carl Otis Winslow: [to the racist cop who pulled Eddie over] You know, I don't know how that badge stays up, because it's pinned to sludge. Maxine Johnson: Yeah and poor you, you gonna miss your prom. Carl Otis Winslow: Harriette, I just feel so helpless! Chico! I got a nosebleed at birth. I don't know what to say. You can do it! Carl Otis Winslow: [More excitedly] Yes, ma'am! 8. If there was one thing I thought the show could have brushed up on, it would be the premise of the episodes. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Get lost, Laura! Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Laura, I kept this ring in hopes that one day you would accept it. Steve is the perfect son. [Urkel is playing Danny Boy on his Swiss Melody Chimes and Carl is furiously awaken by it. Steve Urkel: I can't help it, Laura. She just slipped and I caught her. I just spend two hours talking a guy off a ledge, then found out he was a window washer. Don't nothing, never mind me, Carl. Steve Urkel: [to Carl] They actually give this guy bullets? Harriette: At my table, you eat them. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: When you're hurting other people it ain't harmless. Harriette: [Reading] Swiss Family Robinson! Carl Otis Winslow: All right. Harriette Winslow: [grabbing Carl's hair] Carl [Takes her hand away, looking at it before placing it on top of his head instead]. Steve Urkel: Sh-she touched me, Carl! Steve Urkel: Oh, positive. Willie Fuffner: But he wasn't, so chill out ok. Laura Lee Winslow: You just don't get it, do you. Steve Urkel: Danger's my middle name! Waldo, you may go now. [Steve goes to answer the door] I'm going to consummate, I'm going to consummate. Steve Urkel: You said, "Get a life, Steve", A week ago you would have said, "Get a life, TURBONERD". It's a beautiful language. You know you'll never reach it, but you have to keep trying. Steve Urkel: 'Standardized Urkel Elementary Math Exam'. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Listen, Melissa may not be a cover girl. Then there's in the summer, when we use him as a human bug zapper. Now, I may have taken a sip of my mom's coffee, but I Chain: I'm talkin' about the other kind of wired! I'll grab my stuff and I'll be out of here tomorrow. To be quite frank I was embarrassed and so were all the other customers. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Every day for 6 months. Bye! Chocum hi chip chok!". [after Carl comes out of the busted transformation chamber in an Urkel like fashion, due to Myra's tampering]. Then he unfolds it] Well Tell me again. Steven Quincy Urkel (generally known as Steve Urkel or just simply Urkel) is a fictional character on the ABC/CBS sitcom, Family Matters, who was portrayed by Jaleel White. Harriette: That won't get the stains out. Laura Lee Winslow: [Laura grabs Steve and his clone on their ears] Okay, let's take a moment and figure out what we learned here. You see, I use verbs. There's lots of reasons why I don't love you. Carl Otis Winslow: Hey, I mean every word, sweetheart. Edward 'Eddie' Winslow: That's what I said, but Dad still said no. You kissed me. Would you care to heal them with a kiss? Carl Otis Winslow: Alright Harriette, you were a liiiiiiiittle abrasive tonight. Laura: I mean it, Waldo. Harriette Winslow: Mr. Niedermeyer, the only thing that's gonna go by is you. Harriette Winslow: So Oona how are things in Altoona? I may get F's, but, by God, I earn them! This means you guys have to go together. [does Steve's laugh and snort]. You know that? Urkelbot: [sneaks up behind the robber and surprises him] Freeze! Carl Otis Winslow: How about if I convince Laura to go out on a date with you. I got fifty bucks on the Knicks. And most of all, you don't have to deal with bullies. Steve Urkel: Nine years, three months, two weeks, four days, six hours, eight minutes, and fourteen seconds fifteen seconds sixteen seconds. Waldo: Just the stuff Steve told me to say. Having aired 215 episodes, Family Matters is ranked third, behind only Tyler Perry's House of Payne (254), and The Jeffersons (253). Willie Fuffner: I don't know what you're talking about, officer. They just love juicy gossip. He doesn't have the advantages to see how good the cops are like our kids have. The hot chocolate will be ready soon. Harriette Winslow: [enters the house and sees Curtis] Hi. Not name your state. Grab a blanket and go sleep in the bathtub. Willie Fuffner: [sigh] That's different. Laura Lee Winslow: How fast are we going now? Does that about cover it? Or are they just lame? Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Myra, your mother told me you came here, so I assumed you're becoming a nun. When I was born when the doctor slapped me, I SHOT him! Colonel Dirk Urkel! I don't ever want to go to that restaurant again. and-so-the-balance-shifts-blog. I couldn't turn right around and refuse to go out with him. Ms. Steuben: But here you are. We're starved. Laura Lee Winslow: [in tears] Daddy, everything's a mess! Hey, you could be making this whole thing up! Myra Monkhouse: No, I came to visit my Aunt Monica, she's the Reverend Mother here, now why on earth would I join a convent? Waldo put today's date on the flyer. From now on, no parties and no TV. Harriette Winslow: You eat all that ice cream and you can kiss your diet goodbye. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Hey Steve, Was'sup? Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Well it wasn't funny. It's always tomorrow with that boy! Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: We took in $2,000 dad and we want you to have it. [Greg leaves as Willie walks in with Waldo and the crowd boos him. Edward 'Eddie' James Arthur Winslow: Oh great, I'm gonna lose my toes. And you taught Cassie Lynn Nubbles, the posterchild for useless people, how to do things for herself. [plugs the cord into the socket]. Eddie: Dad you embarrassed me in front of my friends. Me and Laura went ice skating together. Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Why are ya gonna do that, Willie? Waldo: You guys think you can walk all over me because I'm dumb. Laura: Steve, you're supposed to cook those! Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: [voiceover, as Johnny Danger] So there I was, staring death right in the face. Big guys have never played keep away with your hat on a cold day. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Oh that's sweet, what did he say? Steve Urkel: Well, I didn't have one. Dont you know when you make a mistake, you fess up to it. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: I feel so safe in Raoul's strong arms I love him soo much and I sorta like Carl. Steve Urkel: You teach us more than just things out of a textbook. In the latter half of Family Matters, Steve started staying with the Winslows as his parents didn't want him around. "Tomorrow Dad!" Steve Urkel: Edward this stuff's been hawked. Well it's not cool. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: How did she die? Harriette Winslow: Now here's something I didn't know. April 24th, Carl, I planted this fake diary because I knew you'd read it. Steve Urkel: [panicked] um perhaps you mean "biosphere"? Ken: You make me wanna puke! In fact, I'm grounded. Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Harriette, stupid means good. Did you know an African American helped design the blueprint for Washington, D.C.? Harriette Winslow: She's still pretty upset, she wouldn't even touch her dinner. And what about the car show last Saturday? Some Sorry looking roses that are 3 hours away from potpourri. [to self] WOW! Can you carry me home? Steve Urkel was the breakout character for the hit Friday night ABC sitcom "Family Matters" while Jaleel White who played him was the show's breakout star. Waldo: But, why ya gonna do that, Willie? Steve Urkel: Now, relax, Eddie. Did you see them work on Dora Fenswick? Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD: Serious. His parents were very upset. Steve Urkel: Yeah, but now I have an excuse. Carl: Steve, will you please stop sulking and come out of the bathroom? Uh, Curtis. Rachel Crawford: It's almost impossible to find a job these days. When's it going to end? Chuck is twice the man, Raoul is. You have the right to have an attorney present. Harriette Winslow: And you meant every word 8 years ago. This poker game is important to you and I messed it up by inviting this windbag. You're grounded for two weeks and you are to stay away from my car until it learns self-defense. [Notices Maxine & Laura left the living room] Well, I thought it was a good story. Harriette Winslow: Now let me get this straight. My, what strong arms. Harriette Winslow: What's wrong with that? Steve Urkel: [after discovering that the stereo in Eddie's car has had its serial number scratched off] Uh-uh. You're late for class. Harriette Winslow: And deliberately sat us next to a cigar smoker. [finds a note hanging on the door] Oh my God. While a miserable Eddie has to play checkers with Steve. That's not enough time for Rambo to blow anything up. College Problems Student Problems Cassie Lynn: Look, Becky Sue. Family Matters is an American sitcom series that originated on ABC from September 22, 1989 to May 9, 1997, before moving to CBS from September 19, 1997 to July 17, 1998. Steve, what happened? Sorry I'm late, but I got my tongue stuck in the printing press. Harriette Winslow: No, Carl let's call it what it really is, Cheap and Lazy. But, if I'm not, the last two words you'll ever say will be, "A Choo.". Cassie Lynn: Well, we just got some really hot photos of you being romanced by the Prince of Passion here. Cornelius Eugene Urkel aka OGD: You all right, Mr.W, [he teaches Carl how to handshake in his neighborhood. Laura Lee Winslow: Now, for the championship and the toaster oven, who made the first patented shoe sewing machine? Laura Lee Winslow: If you're really my guardian angel, where're your wings and your harp? Carl: You know, the only thing worse than not catching any fish is hearing you sing about it. Carl Otis Winslow: I told him I was taking him over to see you. Laura: Ma, the package said to cook it at 275 for 20 minutes. I can't think of a single reason not to do this every week. [laughs]. Wa chee! Ms. Steuben: [after seeing Waldo's assignment] Waldo, this is superior work. Steve Urkel: No, well, actually it's my Uncle Ernie's hearse. An illustration of a person's head and chest. I can turn you down without destroying your ego. Steve Urkel: Well, Laura doesn't want a date with me. At a party, once, he clamped cables to his earlobes and jump-started a Volkswagen. You should've seen the look on his face when he saw five officers surrounded my car and said Surprise! Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: I almost wore that same suit. [Steve and Carl are playing Gin Rummy when an infuriated, Eddie and Laura come into the house.]. Nick Neidermeyer: Do I have to remind you who you're talking to? [Eddie groans as Carl walks in to brighten his mood], [Eddie leaves with Carl to hang out with him. Laura: [running in] Guess what? Carl: Uh-oh. You're my friend. No. The '90s series "Family Matters" may have been about the Chicago-based Winslow family, but the show's breakout character was actually Winslow neighbor Steve Urkel. Laura: This is just a model, right? Steve Urkel: Don't feel bad. Richie Crawford: We're going to play with these toys for 30 days and return them, like Uncle Carl's going to do with his peanut helmet. Steve Urkel: Hey, you gotta get up if want to get dow oh [guests scream as Steve falls off the edge of the roof]. Laura: So do you Max, guess what, Steve rented us a limo. Steve Urkel: [Runs across the couch to get away] Fine, fine, fine! Steve Urkel: But, I told you. [steps on the gas]. Steve Urkel: All right, Laura, we'll randeavou at the Isetta. Steven 'Steve' Quincy Urkel: Waldo come to the Witness Stand. Harriette Winslow: [Waldo crashes his snowmobile in the Winslows' living room] Waldo?
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